EMPATHY - WITNESSING - VALIDATION

 

When we give one another these gifts, we help heal wounds, fortify self-confidence and build connections.  On the other hand, if we jump in with easy advice, we shut down vulnerability and instead send the message, "You are not good enough as you are! Quick, let's get rid of that unsightly emotional muck!"  This fuels shame, and we sure don't need more of that.  Let's instead make it clear that we're all in this together, and no one has to go it alone.

 

Do not ask direct personal questions!

When you ask a direct question that the other person does not want to answer, you put them in a difficult position.  This could make it feel unsafe for them to come back to the group.

 

The idea is to never put someone in a position that it would be awkward for them to try to get out of answering a question.  For example:

 

Alliya says: “My kids are driving me nuts!”

Bonnie’s prying response: “How old are your kids?” -->Don’t do this!

Callista’s validating response: “I hear you! What’s the worst part about it?”

or: “If they’re home because of covid lockdown, that’s extra hard on parents!”

or: “Each age group has its particular challenges! My child’s tween years were the hardest for me.”

 

Offer open-ended responses that don’t force any particular answer.  This way, you are allowing the person who has the floor to take the conversation in any direction they want.  You are enabling their flow, and that’s a beautiful thing!

 

Don’t automatically give advice; instead, VALIDATE experiences and feelings

 

Unless someone is asking for advice directly, don’t give it.

 

People with ADHD can get advice all over the place. We can seek out advice on everything from decluttering to sleep hygiene, and we get unsolicited advice all the time, such as classic no-brainers like “Have you tried … making a list? … setting alarms?” and “All you need to do is try harder!” Great. Thanks.

 

But getting live validation for our struggles - that is rare.  The greatest value in us getting together is in reminding one another that our struggles are real, and our feelings makes sense.

 

When someone is opening up about their struggles, and then you give advice on how to fix it, you’re saying, “I don’t want to know about your bad feelings - anxiety, despair, frustration, depression…  I don’t know what to do with your bad feelings.  They remind me of my own bad feelings.  So I’m going to shift the conversation away from your ugly feelings.  Here’s something shiny!”

 

Then the person who was being vulnerable feels that they have brought something ugly and unsightly to the table.  And then they shut down, and they make a mental note that the culture here rejects this line of revelation, and they never bring up a problem again.  The truth is, our difficult feelings make sense for what we’ve been through and for what our lives are like today.  What helps the most is to LEAVE THE LUMP OF UGLY RIGHT THERE ON THE TABLE FOR ALL TO SEE!  Don’t sweep it away, don’t try to erase or obliterate it.  Instead, say: Look! There’s that thing you are living with. Yup. There it is.

 

And then something magical happens!  The person who brought their sadness and shame out into the open feels a little lighter about it, to have their experience brought into the light of day to be WITNESSED by others.  These witnesses did not pass out, nor did they look at their feet and fumfer, nor did they run away screaming.  We are your peers and we know how hard it can be with ADHD.  Some of us have gone through exactly that, and some have not, but we all empathize, and we all embrace you where you are!

 

Here’s an example: “My home is such a mess, it’s driving me crazy.”

Avoidant response: “Oh, you have to get this organizing book by Guru Tidy-Pants. Her advice solved all my problems with clutter.”

Or “Have you tried just concentrating on cleaning up one small area at a time?”

Supportive response: “I know what you mean!  It’s so demoralizing!”

Or “I get it.  I find it’s an endless struggle.  Sometimes I’m able to get a handle on it, but pretty soon, things just pile up again.  Is that what it’s like for you?”

 

If you are going to respond, try to do so in a way that is supportive, that enables flow in the conversation, and that is authentic for you as well.

 

If you happen to have a very tidy home, and never have a problem with clutter, now is not the time to bring this up!  Now is the time to stay silent and let others say authentic supportive things.  Or you could say something empathetic, such as “That must be very tiring!”

 

By the way, please don’t ever say: “And how does that make you feel?”  Yuck.

 

EMPATHY - WITNESSING - VALIDATION

That’s what it’s all about!  When we are too quick to sweep feelings away with advice, we miss a precious opportunity for empathy and connection.  Our struggles are real, and we can survive them with a little help from our friends.

 

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